Just some jokes to give you a smile

The Masked Ball

A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked, fancy dress, Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the dance alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and that there was no need for his good time to be spoilt by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more drinks he finally whispered a proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you are not there.

" Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"

The husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently, he had a whale of a time."

Liverpool F.C.'s new signing

Gerrard Houlier was looking to sign some new players to help Liverpool's title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent.

Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and signs him immediately on a 3-year deal.

On getting back to England, Gerrard takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big home game against Arsenal.

The new lad is fantastic. He scores a hat-trick and creates four more as Liverpool romp it 7-0.

Ecstatic after the game he phones his mum to tell here the good news.

"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut for Liverpool and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great!"

"Well." Says his mum "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother joined a vicious gang of killers".

"Mum, I don't know what to say, I'm sorry"

"You're sorry!" she yells down the phone. "You're f***ing sorry!..... It's YOUR bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!!"

Out of the mouths of Babes.

A Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old Son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying

"All of you bastards, who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop! - and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse on the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified Mother went in and told her son "We do not use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say

"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one

"She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the Mother began to smile the child added "For those of you, who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the F-----g Bitch in the kitchen"